August 18, 2013. SUNY PURCHASE, NY- SUNY Purchase Alumnus Milo Rayo was found dead today in a children’s playground AT SUNY Purchase. Though no tangible body was discovered, playground workers found a forty ounce beer and a note that read “Dear Santa, I still want that fucking pink pony. XOXO.”
The 23-year-old victim was still popular amongst students, mostly women, who remember his time spent at the college which he graduated in 2010.
“Milo was always so god damn charming,” Says Helen Polyester, senior Arts Management major. “He really pissed me off sometimes but damn was he a good lover. Made me want to blow him everyday. Which I did. For a month. Best lockjaw I ever got.”
Edward Cullens, Senior Dance Major, said, “Milo was just one of those god damn suave motherfuckers who would steal your boyfriend or girlfriend and somehow through your pain you ended up thanking him for it and liking him even more, even though he left your heart in a million pieces.”
Investigators were in a state of confusion as to his cause of death, as he seemed to suffer no trauma and had plenty to live for, including a high-profile photography job for Magnum, beautiful women falling at his feet, three lexuses, each one color of the American Flag. He had even just won the New York Megamillions jackpot of 400 billion dollars.
So why is he dead?
In a seemingly related note left taped to the most beautiful woman in the world’s nipples, Rayo explained that he wanted to grow up and become a dolphin. Dolphins, he believed, were reincarnated humans who had a duty to protect and enlighten the human race.
In the note, the superstar also posited that heaven and hell both exist on planet Earth, as the varied human experience put some through a hellish life and others through a fantastic one.
